“Hassan, am I beautiful?”
Hassan stops in his track. His face a mixture of shock and bewilderment. Does she not know that if all the beautiful things in the world were to decide to have a party and she walked in, they would stop and stare in awe? Her brows stay raised, arms akimbo, she wasn’t budging.
He wondered for a stray second if she was serious but he saw the smile tugging at the side of her lips, she was loosing character. He smiles back.
“Ask me again”
He clutches his chest – she always looks beautiful when she laughs, like a beautiful blend of sunset and daffodils. Gorgeous.
He clutches his chest again, not in adoration but with restraint this time.
Why won’t these feelings go away? He had tried all he knew to do but the more he tried, the harder it became.
She is not his to love.
She laughs again, at something happening on the side of the road, unaware of the effect that she has on him. Of how he has to use every restraint in him not to pull her into a hug and whisper how beautiful she is to her ears. Of how her laughter is a cacophony that always ends in shivers and goosebumps. Jarring but pretty.
About how he has tried staying away from her but somehow always still ends up here. By her side, longing for what he could never have.
Time away from her is the hardest, she fills his every waking thought.
Even the sleeping thoughts. Dreams. Let’s not talk about the dreams.
Sighing, he clutches his chest for the third time. This feeling needs to go.
This post is for you who is struggling.
You’re falling for someone you have no business falling for. Maybe you’re not ready for these feelings. Or you might be ready but they’re not in that space. Perhaps someone who is unavailable. Or an ex who tore your heart to pieces. Might even be a great ex.
Whichever variation your struggle might be, I want you to know first, that I get it.
It’s hard if we’re being honest – Fighting feelings. It can be hard.
I should also mention that this is not a one size fit all. However, the psychological dynamic is almost always similar.
So how do we crush this crush?
Acceptance – Acknowledge your feelings. Don’t brush them away or avoid them. Come out of denial – This is how you feel. Running away is like sinking sand. The more you run, the deeper you fall because the mental gymnastics used in this avoidance will only keep them in your mind much longer. It’s like lifting weights. You’ll only end up buff, with feelings.
Awareness – Why do you feel the way you feel? Sometimes we think we like a person when in actual reality, what we like is an idea of them. Or the way being around them makes us feel. Feelings are generally deceptive and sometimes, what you feel might be superficial and that is why you realize that sometimes you chase a person or crush on a person and when you get really close to them, you start to wonder why you were so interested in the first place. Do the work. Give meaning to your feelings. Be clear about what it is you’re feeling.
If it’s superficial, then skip to step 4. If it isn’t, let’s go to step 3.
Evaluate – There is a reason why you’re trying to get over this person. A reason why it probably would never work. A reason why it’s always a bad idea. Sometimes, there’s more than one reason. Remind yourself of it. Say it over and over again till it registers in your subconscious. You know it somewhere in your mind. It’s why you feel guilty and it’s why you’re trying so hard to get rid of it. So think, even if this person were to reciprocate these feelings, is there a future here? Or would it end in either or both us getting hurt.
Withdraw – I have this theory that intimacy is less of attraction and more of connection. If two random people are in constant communication for extended periods of time, your mind starts to register familiarity and here’s what happens. You start to see sides of them that appeal to you. You start to understand them and depend on them emotionally and sometimes mentally. The more you unravel them, the deeper you fall into the rabbit hole. They’re slowly registering in your brain as a habit. Before long, they’re etched in your subconscious and somehow, you cannot erase them.
Intimacy is a tricky thing.
So yes, to the best of your ability, withdraw. Mute them. Talk less. Call less. Text less. Indulge less. You might need to have a talk with the person about it. You might not need to. (Depends on your relationship with the person and who the person is)
But give your heart and mind space to breathe.
This is the hardest part because your mind flogs you for leaving.
You’re restless and edgy and constantly thinking about them. These are withdrawal symptoms. Give it time.
There’s no definite time for healing but in time, your brain will forget.
Your mind will know peace.
Your heart will create room.
They will exist only in your memory but thoughts of them would not cause you sleepless nights anymore.
There are other steps and tips that might be helpful depending on the peculiarity of your situation but these are mainstream steps that always come in handy regardless of where you are. Talk is easy so I should probably tell you that this would not be a walk in the park.
It would not be a breeze, it will require commitment. You will put in the work and for those who are in too deep, there would be days you will be frustrated and tempted to give up. But keep your head up.
I’m rooting for you.
Bonus Tip: I didn’t add this because if not handled properly might go wrong in the long run. But get a distraction. Something to take your mind off how you’re feeling (Not another person please. Rebounds are a topic for another day) Find something to pour yourself into. A craft, a hobby, friends and family. Distract yourself. E dey work.