When you move to a ‘better’ place, you will understand what really matters. – Uchenna Ozoekwe.
It was one of those days I share my usual one-liners on social media when a lady asked me a question in relation to a quote I shared. She asked me to explain what I meant by ‘a better place.’ With an open mind, I shared my response. Interestingly, my emphasis wasn’t only on relationships. I was careful enough to cite other areas to buttress my point. After some time, I saw her question on an unrelated topic in another community, my interest was piqued. I scrolled to her profile and found out that she indicated ‘divorced’ on the column for marital status. This discovery was important to me because I felt it could be a bit insensitive of me to focus solely on relationships going by the tone of my explanations. This is one of those lessons one needs to be reminded: the need to listen to the voice behind the words. Many times people ask questions based on ‘where they are coming from.’ This is why it isn’t exactly fair to consider someone dumb based on the questions they ask. Reason: You don’t know where they are coming from.
When you hear or say ‘better place’, what really comes to your mind? Is it something that kindles the fire of your lusts or fuel to your fantasies? With emphasis on relationships, who is indeed the better person? Is it the previous or current partner?
As much as ‘better’ is subjective, yet we need to also evaluate what it is to us. Peradventure, it will help us to judge issues properly. There’s nothing wrong with judging issues. It enables us to differentiate between right and wrong and not to condemn people. Remember the bible says in John 7:24: Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”(NIV). Like I usually tell people, “there’s nothing wrong with judging but there’s actually a ‘correct way to judge‘ and a no ‘judging way to correct‘”.
There’s nothing wrong with judging but there’s actually a ‘correct way to judge‘ and a no ‘judging way to correct
Whenever there’s a break up, one party usually finds it convenient to demonize the former party. Do I imply that things never went wrong or that no one did nothing wrong? No. My point is that no matter our reasons for the breakup, two individuals are involved and nobody in essence is ‘evil’. What is more important is to move unto the next chapter of your lives. Now, this move ends up placing us in a position to evaluate issues. Maybe what led to the breakup wasn’t what the other party did or didn’t do, it could have been our own desires for independence, sense of irresponsibility or just silliness. Thus, the hindsight becomes 20/20.
For more emphasis on my previous example, if that person in a that relationship and along the line feels there’s need for something ‘better’ and leaves that relationship, goes into another one, the person will realize that: though the grass on the other side looks greener, there’s something the former party offers that could still be valuable.
In retrospect, the individual will have a better appreciation for the more intangible things like love, trust, kindness, peace. This is because you begin to see things quite different from the way you saw them when you are involved. Now, the new person offers a comfortable house and many luxuries of life. It doesn’t mean the new or old person is bad here. It’s just that clarity about the main thing one should be on the lookout for will dawn on the moving individual.
In the same vein, many of us will easily jump at the opportunity to immigrate to places like Canada, US or UK. That’s perfectly fine. Those with the means should explore that option. However, many would understand one or two ‘privileges’ enjoyed in Nigeria which is essentially scarce in these other climes. No matter what goodies life offer, and no matter how much we need to meet daily needs, pay bills etc., many things that are more important can’t be bought with money. It’s interesting that many realize all these in retrospect. Thus, the expression, hindsight is 20/20. Then the bugging question: what do I really want in the first place?
To answer this question, do the following:
1. Discover or rediscover your identity. Who are you when all you hold dear are taken away from you? If you are a Christian, do you recognize your identity in Christ? What does it entail? What is required? Read the scriptures.
2. Affirmation. Affirm yourself. Affirm the masterpiece that you are no matter your perceived inadequacies. You don’t have to leave it to others. You aren’t meant to do so. When you affirm yourself you will have a better appreciation for yourself. When you allow people to affirm you, it will be a case of allowing their suggestions to be your reality.
3. Mindfulness. Through mindfulness, you are able to isolate emotions and feelings bordering you and put them in objective perspective.
4. Read About people and places. My favorites are biographies and self-help books. Through these kinds of books, you will connect with a plethora of experiences. Even Hebrews Chapter 11 talked about the ‘Hall of Fame’ of faith. The most significant thing here is that you are able to learn from the mistakes of others. You will enhance your experience. Personal experience isn’t necessarily the best teacher.
5. Learn to evaluate every experience. There’s always something to learn from every event. This is the only way roses of success will grow from ashes of disaster.
6. Value system. Societal values change. However, so many things are going wrong. Question existing values. Subject them to objective and critical thought. This is because many societal constructs today were apparently motivated by greed, selfishness and the desire to dominate others.
7. Have standards. You ought to have specific, understandable and properly defined standards. Standards can be flexible too. However, flexibility is not bad. It has to be directed towards any need for adjustments to give room for growth. Standards should not change because of the people you meet or where you are, they should happen because there’s need for such. It’s just like when antiviruses upgrade as viruses become more virulent.
Standards should not change because of the people you meet or where you are, they should happen because there’s need for such
This list isn’t exhaustive but I believe it will go a long way to help you get the best out of your life.
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2 thoughts on “Moving To A Better Place – A Lesson On Life And Relationship”
Oh this is very insightful dear Uche and very timely too. I am currently in a position where I am considering “a better place” but reading through, I am reminded to really take my time and evaluate again if this is really what I want and of course the grass may appear greener the other side but in actual sense, it may not be.
To add, I would also suggest especially for those seeking “a better place” literally, that if you have the opportunity to just visit the place before eventually migrating, you will be able to make a more wholesome and balanced judgement to avoid regrets at the end….
Once again, thank you so much for this. May you never run dry?
Wow. I am humbled by your kind words, Amara.
I am sending hugs to you.
I appreciate your suggestions about an initial visit to a place if possible. That’s very true.
Many times, what we hear from others may not really blend with what our own experiences could be.
Once again, thank you.