It’s that time of the year when we are overwhelmed by how far we have come and what it all means. I have looked forward to the end of this year for two years now, I remember I started scribbling ‘2020’ in my notes since December 2018. I was so excited! The end of a decade!
When a year is about to end, like it or not, we start to have little moments of sober reflection, sometimes nostalgia. I have had my moments and I have come to realize that, this year, I have struggled with faith and belief. Not so much as what to believe in as much as not believing at all. I often caught myself asking, “Does God exist?” a lot of times because of news from around the world – Two-year olds dying from cancer, innocent girls dead in car crashes with drunk drivers.
Sometime this year, I started a list to help with my faith – a list of everyday things I see God in. I do not have all the answers – I barely have any answers at all – and I am not sure why this mattered to me, or even why it mattered enough for me to want to share, but it did.
I find it fascinating that there are over a billion people on this planet – a billion people with two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth – and somehow, apart from the occasional cheat with the twins, we all look different, unique, down to our very DNA and yet when you see another human, you think, “Hey! There is a human”, and although they look nothing like you, you believe with all your heart, that they won’t bite.
I love the way water feels. I spend minutes in the bathroom just letting it flow down my skin, watching the way it touches but does not really touch my skin and I find myself wondering how strange it is that we say “water is tasteless” because I know exactly what it tastes like. It is colourless but I know the colour that water should be. Water so common yet no living thing can survive without it.
Water is the most unselfish thing I know. It does not affect the make-up of the substance it carries, it freezes from the top-down, preserving aquatic life, it makes up about two-thirds of the human body and allows us to live in an environment with fluctuating temperature and still maintain steady body temperature. It is so perfect. So perfectly thought out and designed.
Have you ever noticed just how contagious laughter is? Someone can burst into laughter right now, you have no idea why they are laughing but you look at them and that look of pure joy somehow gets transferred to you, your face crinkles up in a smile. You might even find yourself laughing too, asking “What?” over and over again.
Who showed you the sound of laughter? Where did you learn that it was okay to throw your head back and work hard at expelling all the air from your lungs while making animal noises? Why do you feel lighter after a really good laugh?
This year, I went from wanting to break into tears in the middle of the day to mentally stopping myself from breaking into a dance at every opportunity – both signs that something might be mentally wrong, I know – but have you ever watched yourself dance? Have you watched other people contort their faces into images of someone about to have a stroke in a bid to get all their feeling out? Have you ever been impressed by your own shitty dance move in front of a mirror? Have you ever thought about where to showcase your non-existent dancing talent? Well, I have and for every misstep, for every time I fell backwards, I had a good laugh and I’ll tell you this for free, I like laughing.
I read somewhere that dance is the truest expression of who you are, and I have since then embraced this off-rhythm, half-crazed, maniacal goddess I become when I dance. I have come to embrace my broken inner-rhythm and the sound of my laughter even when it’s hiding my pain and the fact that there are so many people on this planet that do not look anything like me and that some of them do bad things and the fact that water with all its perfection drowns people.
I have chosen to see the good and to believe in better and it may not seem like much, but this list helped with my faith. What’s on your list? Why do you believe?